Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Not Converted

I'm not a wordy person and this is not a wordy blog, but I had to share. Sorry to be a little OT. If you came looking for pics today, please come back another day.
So, you know how every dog owner has that conversation with someone at least once about how you wish you knew what your dog was thinking? Well, I have that conversation about Kate fairly frequently. Although it usually goes more like this…

“What the hell do you think is wrong with her?”

So, for my birthday last month, my roommate bought me some phone time with a “pet communicator.” Yes, I talked to a dog psychic. The few regular readers of my blog that actually know me in person are currently LMAO’ing and probably half out of their chairs.

My apologies to those of you who are believers. I’m just not buying it. Shenanigans, I say!

OK, so first off, I didn’t know we were doing the call last night, so I had no time to collect and write down my catch-the-BS questions. I was caught off guard. Totally not fair at all. Plus, apparently Kate is pushy and rude because my roomie was going first to talk about her dog and the psychic made her hand the phone over to me because Kate was insisting that she goes first.

So, Dog Talker firsts asks:

“Dog’s name?”…Kate
“Breed?”….Um, sort of Border Collie-ish
“Coloring?”… Kind of black and white, split face, but she’s not really black….(thinking to self: why doesn’t she know this)
“Did you get her as a puppy?”… No, she’s a rescue. (<--Dang it! That was a give that I didn’t want to give and wouldn’t have if I were prepared.)

So what did Kate desperately want me to know? Allegedly all her stress and worry is about her alleged brother. Said alleged brother allegedly looks just like her and was allegedly a terror – eating furniture, chewing up decking, shiz like that. When one got in trouble, they both got in trouble. And, according to Dog Talker, Kate her brother regularly “psychically email” each other and he is allegedly not happy wherever he is. He’s allegedly not in a good situation and she is allegedly worried about him.

OK, now, the home she was in prior to going into rescue she was an only dog. She was only there for about 4 months, so, yeah, OK, maybe the alleged brother thing is prior to her prior home. Yeah, that must be it.

After the whole brother discussion, she tells me that Kate is very worried about boarding and doesn’t want to board anymore. You know, her abandonment issues from being a rescue – damn, why did I say that!? I get asked if I have plans to go anywhere. Um, yeah, we have 2 agility trials in October, but both dogs go. Kate has been boarded exactly twice in the 3.5 years I have had her. Bella gets a bit stressed and clingy with the people, but Kate actually enjoys it.

So, up to this point the discussion has been what Kate wants to tell me. Kate is gracious enough to now allow me to chime in. I explain her anxiety. I explain that she is much better than when I first got her, but still tends to get anxious. I ask if that’s just her personality or if there is anything I can do to help her. I get a mini-dissertation on the Bach Flower remedies I should add to her water and get told “she’s not really nervous, she’s a pretty happy dog, maybe that’s just what I am interpreting.” OK, so after the brother and boarding conversation centered on that “fact” that Kate is nervous and anxious about those things, she is suddenly not nervous at all and just a happy dog. Miracle of all miracles!! She’s cured!! Woot!

What where the 3 other ground breaking revelations, you ask?
1) Kate really likes Bella (this only came up after I told Dog Talker that Bella exists)
2) Kate would like some raw food, or even just canned, thankyouverymuch.
3) Kate’s favorite color is purple and she would like a bandana in that color. She also feels it would only be fair for Bella to get a bandana, too, if she gets one and Bella’s favorite color is teal, FYI.

WTF? Now, I know Kate and firmly believe that if she really had the chance to talk to anyone she would only have 2 things to say…. “Please throw the ball”…and…”I love Bella.”

So, as we lay in bed last night, we had our own conversation. You know, the kind where the dog just looks at you and you lay down the law?

“If there is any truth to this brother business you are just going to have to get over it. Unless you can give nice Dog Talker Lady an actual street address, there is nothing I can do.

You are not getting raw because I’m cheap and lazy. You are also not getting canned because it makes your breath stink. Maybe once in a blue moon, but you’re going to have to let that go, too.

And the bandanas? Not happening either. No dog of mine is going to wear clothing of any kind. There will be no doggy bling in this house. You get your plain leather collar just like your sister and you will be happy about it. And teal? Really? I don’t think Bella has ever even seen teal. That was just a big ol’ lie and you know it.”

^^^^ Not getting an effing bandana


  1. That looks like the face of a dog who wants a banana. Maybe her psychic email just had a typo.

  2. I am dyin' here. Excellent summation!


    A bandana indeed.

  4. "Maybe her psychic email just had a typo."

    HAHAHA, totally.

    They DO like their fruit!

  5. I never comment, but I have literal tears running down my face. ROFLMAO!

  6. Ok, this hits close to home. Thank DoG someone else thinks these dog psychics are a bunch of crock. I have a friend, who has paid big $$ (one more than one occasion!) to have her dogs talk to her. Now it's all she talks about and boy it is revealing. Her dogs love her, wow. Her dogs love each other, wow. Her dogs like to play, duh-they're border collies!! Oh I could go on and on......

  7. My roommate is a big believer in the whole dog-psychic thing. Me, not so much either. Roomie has a Miniature Pinscher who barks her head off at the slightest thing. DogPsychic said that she has terrible headaches and that's why she barks. Well, when *I* have a headache, the very last thing I want to do is bark. Glad I'm not the only skeptic with a friend who's a believer!!

  8. Ok, I love your pics and all, but that? That was just great!

  9. My personal favorite "animal communicator" was the woman who made me hold a phone to a horse (yes, a HORSE) who was quite the difficult animal to deal with - deadly actually - almost impossible to ride but the owners had spent thousands on her. The psychic's take (after talking to this horse on the phone) was that the horse felt spiritually unfulfilled and wanted to be donated to a therapeutic riding academy. WTF???? Does this psychic have something against ill/handicapped humans???

    I didn't buy the whole animal psychic thing to begin with and after the horse incident? Yeah. Uh uh. People will spend their money on the stupidest things...

  10. Hahahaha.

    My border collie is so smart that he is on to the pet psychics and would NEVER let them know his true thoughts.

    There's a book by Jane Smiley called Horse features a horse psychic. Let me just say this about that: I loved the book, except for the chapters about the horse psychic. Sorry you had to endure that nonsense, but it makes for a good tale.

  11. You should really offer us more of your wordy blog posts. That was HI-larious!

    I think it's time to do a color preference test. Offer Kate a variety of bandana colors and see if she chooses the purple one. If she does, you'll have to start searching for that brother... {snicker, snicker}

  12. See our "Musingins of Two Dogs" blog! We have something for you!

  13. Oh good; after reading your post and the comments, I'm beginning to think that there are fewer suckers out there than I thought. Out here on the left coast, such silliness seems all the rage; horsefeathers, I say!

  14. That's the most rediculous thing I've ever heard of. Like anyone can read a dog's mind.